I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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