I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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