Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Even my vagina gasped.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
