i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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