Dude my mom stole all your condoms
okay pat passed out under dana's car
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
