Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
