The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
