his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Randomize
