I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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