I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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