I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
