we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
