we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
