hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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