remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
