I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
