why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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