I hate your face
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
