this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
