I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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