if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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