I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
