piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
