i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
