I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
