my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
