I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
soo... how was my night?
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