Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
