He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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