your parents love me but you hate me
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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