I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
