when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
