My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
