ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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