Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
