Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
