I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
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