You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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