all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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