I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
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