She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
