I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
