I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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