dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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