"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
