I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
