How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
