yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
