since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
