So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Randomize
