1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
