Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
