I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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