I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
