1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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